


Spell It Out

by cloneclubbingcreampuff



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-05 08:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6697387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloneclubbingcreampuff/pseuds/cloneclubbingcreampuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt by <a href="http://krystalgoderitch.tumblr.com/">krystalgoderitch</a> on tumblr: Alex finally gets the courage to come out to Kara as a lesbian.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Here's the thing.

Alex knows that keeping secrets is toxic. It's a life lesson she has learned many times over by now, and once she started being honest, she realized how exhausting hiding is.

She hates that she kept a huge part of her life secret for so long, and that she pressured Kara into doing the same. She hates everything right now, most of all herself, because she's wanted to tell Kara another thing that she hadn't thought was very important, at least not in comparison to the whole secret agent thing, but whenever she tries to, the words get lodged in her throat. 

Because it just feels so big and so scary. 

Alex gets how dumb it sounds. She's fought off countless alien threats, and has stood face to face with death on a weekly basis at least. She's someone all of her fellow soldiers know they can count on in battle to have their backs, and she wonders just how ready they would be to trust her if they knew that she's scared shitless to tell her own sister she's a lesbian. 

Hank is the only one who knows, that she's aware of, anyway. She's pretty sure that Vasquez suspects, because, well. Alex has checked her out more than once, and Lucy too, and most of her female coworkers, now that she's thinking about it. She wants to believe she's gotten more subtle, but Vasquez's knowing smirk whenever they happen to meet in the locker room tells her otherwise. 

If only her gayness could actually be seen from space.

 

\----

 

Alex accompanies Kara to Noonan's on Tuesday morning. It's drizzling outside, and Alex's windbreaker isn't really doing a great job of keeping her warm, but at least she's dry. They step inside the cafe and Alex runs a hand through her hair, feeling it curl under her touch. She's already imagining how dumb her hair will look for the rest of the day when she sees that there's a new face behind the bar, taking Kara's order. And oh, fuck, she's gorgeous. She steps to the counter, and the barista--Teddy, her name tag reads--smiles and asks for her order. 

Alex's day is already wrecked and it's not even 8 o'clock. 

It's really not fair, how suddenly she can't string together a sentence. The barista looks expectantly at her, and Kara smiles and orders for her.

Alex lets out a breath as she and Kara step to the side. 

"Still not awake yet, huh?" Kara asks with a smile. "I don't know how you're always so sleep deprived. You get like ten hours of sleep a night." 

"It's because I have to deal with people. They're exhausting." 

"Glad I'm an alien then," Kara jokes, lowering her voice. 

It's enough to make Alex grin, and she rolls her eyes as a giggle falls from Kara's mouth. 

"Smartass," Alex says, and gives Kara a nudge that moves her maybe an inch. 

She wants to stay focused on how easy and comfortable their banter is, but Alex's eyes drift to the barista again before she looks resolutely down at her phone, checking the time and studying the background picture. One of her and Kara, when they went on a road trip last year. This one is of them at Mt. Rushmore, and Alex feels a pang in her chest as she looks at their smiling faces. She's got to tell Kara. Soon. 

Kara clears her throat. "Alex? What's up?" 

"Nothing." 

"You sure?" 

Alex looks up into Kara's concerned eyes. "Yeah." 

She can feel the lie, as real and painful as a bullet wound, but now isn't the right time.

 

\----

 

Alex soon discovers that the 'right time' doesn't exist. Whenever she thinks it's the perfect moment, there's a natural disaster or an alien attack or a call from Kara's demanding boss that pulls Kara's attention away. Out of the three, Alex knows which one she'd rather jump head first into hell than deal with, and she's made her feelings on the subject pretty clear. Despite that, she sees what the job at CatCo does for her sister. It's the only normal thing in her life. 

And that's part of the reason, Alex thinks, why she hasn't told Kara yet. She doesn't want to upset the normalcy they'd just settled into after Myriad and everything. Alex's first instinct has always been to protect Kara, and this piece of her life never fit into that agenda. 

But oh, it hurts. This one secret slashes deeper than any of the others, and Alex still hasn't figured out why. 

_Just tell her, asshole. ___


	2. Chapter 2

Alex cocks her pistol and fires, sending bullets into the target. Dead center. She reloads, emptying another clip before she stops and takes a breath. She doesn't need the practice, really, but it keeps her mind focused. It's been a tough couple weeks, for both her and Kara. General Lane isn't present much anymore, thankfully, but the DEO is just starting to get back on its feet after Non and Indigo infiltrated it. Alex tells herself that that's why she feels Kara starting to drift away.

Who is she kidding? It's not Kara who's doing the drifting.

When Kara had come to live with the Danvers, it had taken Alex a while to warm up to her. She'd been popular, had a jock boyfriend and lots of friends. And Kara, with her wide-eyed curiosity and awkward habits, muscled her way into Alex's life, stretching it into something unrecognizable. It took almost six months for Alex to realize that Kara made her life more real. She felt authentic around her.

Looking back, Alex should have known she was gay, because having to hold Rick's hand felt like grabbing onto a slick, wet marshmallow and she hated it. That was the only semi-affectionate gesture she'd allow, which really should have tipped her off. They'd dated for maybe two months, and then Alex didn't date anyone after that until college. Even then, it had all just felt like an act.

She hadn't realized until recently that being a good liar means that sometimes you can't even tell if you're lying to yourself.

Alex leaves the shooting range a few minutes later and checks her phone. No text messages from Kara. So she's probably still making rounds in the city, stopping crime and whatnot. Alex types out a message:

_Hey, Kara. We need to talk._

And then promptly backspaces, because that sounds ominous as fuck and she doesn't want to give Kara a panic attack.

How is she supposed to do this?

Her groan of frustration echoes in the halls of the DEO as Alex makes her way towards the control room, deciding to check in with the night shift before she leaves. She rounds the corner and is contemplating throwing her phone against the wall when she almost walks into Vasquez.

"Oh, shit. Sorry," Alex mumbles, glancing up.

"Ma'am," Vasquez says politely, tilting her head. "You seem distracted."

Alex looks at her phone and at Vasquez, then back again. "Yeah. I'm--it's just some personal stuff I'm dealing with. You don't want to hear about it."

Vasquez stays silent for a few moments. She's quiet and shy, but Alex has always had the impression that she notices a lot more than most people do. It makes her feel oddly exposed.

Vasquez's eyes drift to Alex's bag. "Just getting in some practice?"

"Yeah. I--it clears my head. Are you working graveyard tonight?"

"Yes."

Alex shuffles her feet, leans against the wall. She doesn't want this conversation to end, because it's a nice distraction from the pounding thoughts in her head, but it's late and she's sure Vasquez doesn't want to hear about her problems or the fact that even though she's been out to herself for almost a year, she doesn't know anything about how to do this. How to come out, where to meet girls--any of it. She doesn't know where she fits. Her knowledge of lesbian culture is extremely limited.

But Vasquez doesn't move, just fixes Alex with a soft, patient look. And Alex doesn't know what to do with that, because she'd never really thought of Vasquez as a friend and if that is in fact, what she is, she doesn't deserve to get caught up in Alex's drama.

"All right, well, nice talking to you. I'll see you later," Alex murmurs, pushing off the wall and shouldering her bag.

Vasquez nods. "Of course, ma'am. I'll let you know if Supergirl checks in with us tonight. She misses you, you know," she says, and it's not judgmental, just a statement of fact.

She walks off, and Alex sighs and slumps against the wall, more exhausted than ever. For the past few months, she's been psyching herself up, finding moments when it would be perfect to tell Kara, and then chickening out. She's too emotionally drained to be mad at Vasquez for stating the obvious.

 

\----

 

September 23rd. She's decided that's when she's going to come out to Kara. She puts a reminder in her phone and in the meantime, surfs the web and looks for advice on how exactly to do this.

Preparation is important.

 

\----

 

On her day off, she goes to the library and rents a bunch of lesbian movies. After her online research, she's decided to take things at her own pace. The one thing she's scared of most of all, though, is that Kara will ask why it took her so long to tell her. It's something she has no excuse for.

She vegges out on her couch, curling up under a blanket and drifts off.

She wakes up when she feels someone nudge her shoulder, and blinks sleepily, pushing her blanket aside. Kara is sitting on the couch beside her. The TV is turned off, and Alex sits up quickly, her eyes falling on the stack of movies on her coffee table. Blinking, she tries to remember what movie she'd been watching, and sees that Kara is holding the _Tipping The Velvet_ DVD in her hand.

Fuck.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey," Alex croaks. "What are you doing here?" 

Kara places the disc back in its box, and Alex resists the urge to run away screaming. She'd set a date to do this, but apparently she's going to have to improvise. All of her plans to tell Kara over dinner after she's done more research are dashed, because she's pretty sure Kara's not going to leave without an explanation for why Alex has been so distant. They haven't talked much lately, and Alex can tell by Kara's expression that she wants answers. 

"I just wanted to see how you are. We haven't done a movie night in a while, and then I find out you're doing one without me," Kara says with a small smile. She's trying so hard to keep her voice light and teasing, but Alex can tell just how much this is hurting her. 

"I'm sorry," she says, even though the words feel empty. 

"Tell me what's going on, Alex." 

She sounds worried. Alex shifts on the couch, turning to face Kara. She reaches a hand out, grasping one of Kara's. 

"It's nothing bad," she assures. "I'm sorry I haven't spent a lot of time with you lately."

"It's okay," Kara replies, scooting closer. "At least now we're talking about it." 

Alex hesitates. "I--have something to tell you. It's not a big thing, at least, I didn't think it was, but..." 

Kara stays silent, nodding for her to continue. Her soft eyes are so full of understanding, and it almost hurts to look, so Alex glances down at the hand that's not in Kara's, realizing that she's fidgeting. 

"I just--I know that you've always wanted a normal life, Kara. As normal as a superhero who fights aliens and works at a secret paramilitary base can be," she begins, then winces. She really should have written out a speech or something. "And mom and dad wanted that for you too, but I could never live up to what they wanted for me. And I kept wondering why I could never see myself getting married, or having kids, even though I think I already knew the reason. I just distracted myself from the truth, but I can't do that anymore." 

Alex looks up, then, and Kara hums encouragingly. 

"I'm--gay," she breathes, the words stilted. She opens her mouth to say more, but suddenly the weight of what she's just said sinks in, and if she's this overwhelmed, she can't imagine how Kara feels.

Kara blinks, not speaking for several moments. When she does, all that comes out is: "Oh."

Alex looks away, the seconds ticking by in whirlwind. The words are out there, now. She can't take them back. She'd thought she'd feel relief afterwards, but this is almost worse. 

Until Kara leans forward, pulling Alex into a long hug. She chokes out a sob of relief and burrows her face in Kara's shoulder. Her hands reach around Kara's back, and she pulls her close, feeling exhausted and relieved and stupid all at once. 

"Thank you for telling me," Kara whispers, when they pull apart.

Alex lets out a shaky breath. "I don't know why that was so hard. I should have told you sooner, but--" 

"It's okay," Kara says. "You don't always have to be so tough, you know. I'm pretty sure this is a normal thing to be scared about." 

"Normal," Alex comments. "I'm beginning to think that word is meaningless." 

Kara smiles, and her eyes shift to the movies on the table. 

"So, which one do you want to watch first?" She asks, and Alex grins, unable to contain her laugh. 

 

\----

 

Kara had always thought that her sister was one of the smoothest people on earth because she never got flustered around guys. It's kind of hilarious how far off base she was, because the cute barista at Noonan's can make Alex forget her own name just by smiling at her. And Kara isn't blind; she's seen how Alex ogles Lucy Lane in her uniform and how she looks at Vasquez when she thinks no one else is watching. X-ray vision has its perks. 

So, in conclusion: Alex isn't super smooth, or suave. She's just as much of an awkward dork as Kara is around someone she likes, and Kara isn't ever going to let her sister forget it.


End file.
